Bitna/Handa

_ 지난 2월 제주에서의 첫 개인전 작업 중 일부였던 노래들을 엮어 앨범을 발매 했습니다. 이 곡들은 4.3 사건으로 자기 목숨보다 더 사랑한 존재를 잃은 사람들을 향한, 저의 어줍잖은 마음을 담아 보내는 러브레터 입니다. 때로는 제 자신의 상실과 슬픔을 이해하는 것이 미궁을 대책없이 헤매는 일처럼 느껴지기에, 누군가의 그런 마음에 손을 뻗는 것은 더욱 무용하고 의미없지 않을까 생각하며 자신없어 지기도 합니다. 그래서 저의 편지들은 곧잘 마음 안에서 조용히 웅얼거리는 혼잣말이 되곤 해요. 음원은 국내/해외 음원사이트 및 유튜브에서 들어보실 수 있어요. Link in bio to listen. . . . <이름없는 이름을 불러 주세요> 1. 끝과 시작 The End and The Beginning 2. 이름 없는 이름을 불러주세요 Please Call Out Unnamed Names 3. 장래희망 What’s Your Dream? [Credits] All songs composed by 빛나 All Lyrics by 빛나 Vocal by 빛나 All Instruments by 이대봉 Produced by 이대봉 Recorded by 이대봉 Mixed·Mastered by 이대봉 Album Cover by 곤도 유카코 Kondo Yukako 近藤 夕夏子 Special thanks, 김연태, 김민주, 오태민, 박소현, 김재현, 이 랑, 이대봉, 곤도 유카코, 윤치중, 김성길, 김영삼, 최인숙, 김보민, 양이안, 양이나 이 노래들을 세상 밖으로 꺼낼 수 있도록 용기를 북돋아주신 나의 사랑하는 모든 가족, 친구 이웃분들에게 감사를 전합니다.

_ the same period of time, the same person Every time I finish a chapter in my life and open a new chapter, I take a journey back to memories for a while. It reminds me once again of the purpose of living here(Amsterdam/Europe) now. This time, I’ve reached a pretty distant past. To the moment when I first started my expat life. Soon everything will be gone. The future in a few days will be “the day passed by” in an instant. I hope so soon.

_ 아직 안 죽었다잉?

_ This man and woman who gave birth to and raised me at twenty seven. Two lives that began dating at high school graduation and sealed a ten year courtship with marriage. From birth, I could never truly find a way into the tight bond they shared. I grew up witnessing a love where they still blush at the sight of one another in their mid sixties, always remaining each other’s first priority above me, their child. This man I call my father, who loved me more than his own life but was utterly clumsy at verbalizing love. Perhaps that is why I became so proficient in non verbal expressions and meta linguistic communication. He was a man who took responsibility for my world through actions, conveying the sheer warmth of his heart toward me. I am his eternal unrequited love. There were times I felt miserable for taking after my father instead of my mother and not being pretty. Just as my mother grew up on her own mother’s love and became a woman entirely different from her, I too have walked that path like my mom. That delicate epidermis of the heart that filtered out numerous thorns and storms only to give love until that rich scent of motherhood she radiated was deeply engraved in my flesh and blood, it is now growing in my heart as well. I am too familiar with a life where we cannot express love through touch because we have lived far apart since I was a child. Perhaps that is why my sense of sharing love spiritually across time and space is as accurate as a keen blade. I witness the essence of love so clearly that I end up falling to my knees in surrender. I adore this paradox of love where freedom and delight overflow the more I surrender. Happy Parents’ Day. While it is painful that we have no more chances to meet this year, it is what it is! While we create meanings filled with warmth in our respective places, I hope we reunite happily next year, having grown the vessels of our souls to share even greater love. I love you both so much. My life’s first two best friends.

_ Back when I had a shaved head, I’d see so many women do a double-take in the restroom. They’d apologize and turn right back around, thinking they’d walked into the men‘s room. Next time I donate my hair, I think I will shave it all off again. Perhaps sometime next year?! In the process of my graduation project, past, present, and future overlap into a single, vivid layer.

_ March 24, 2020. It was right after COVID 19 began spreading through Europe, a time when measures were taken so that no one could step outside except for the supermarket. It was just before the borders were sealed. Three weeks later, the situation would worsen to the point where all borders were closed, and I would eventually return to Korea with no certain plans. During those two weeks when I moved from Amsterdam to Vienna, a city where I had no ties, and stayed confined in a temporary place, I summoned everyone I had ever met as if by serendipity and loved in my life from my memory, re-encountering them within my soul. Because of that, even though I was trapped in a strange city as a complete stranger, I was not lonely. To me, loneliness is not a sensation felt in the physical moment of being alone. At that time, as has been true for most of my life, I did not belong to any institution. I was not an artist, nor was I an art student. I was just a tiny speck of dust in the universe, one human being among all of humanity. The only tool I had to introduce myself was the three syllables of my name. Scribbling in my diary several times a day, recording, filming, and editing with my phone, I discovered recently while rummaging through my file folders for my current work that I had made something so crude. It is so clumsy and, quite literally, unrefined. But would things be so different now? The things I make, be it text, song, or painting, are still coarse, fragile, and easily faded. What matters here is that I no longer dislike this trait of mine, which once felt so pathetic. I do not feel particular pride or affection for the things created by me, yet I do not treat them as trivial either. That is the person I have become. As I age, my soul is gradually shedding the habit of being deceived by the falsehoods within the shell. Thus, I am tranquille and joyful only in moments and connections where genuine love dwells. This is undoubtedly a powerful green light for my most immediate future. Is it truly a coincidence that the me of today remembers the me of that time as if we were briefly passing by each other?

_ Asynchronousity The freedom in knowing that language and emotion don’t have to exist only in order. And a quiet brace for emotions shattered beyond measure. Fission and resonance.

_ Rather than tearing or cutting to shape it, it feels like breaking it for trimming

_ tingle~tingle~

_ What do you believe? I believe everything I mistake for believing.

_ Where can I set my foot down