It’s here.
The Secure Circle - the community I’ve wanted to build my whole career - is live as of today, and 100% free.
Inside: weekly lectures, livestreams and Q&As, monthly masterclasses with me, an ad-free content library, and direct access to my team. One hub anyone serious about secure attachment can use to keep growing.
Two things to do right now:
1. Comment/DM COMMUNITY or tap the link in bio to join.
2. Tag or share with the friend, sibling, or partner you’ve been quietly wishing would start their own work. The whole point of making it free is so you can finally put it in front of them.
Let’s help 1 billion people become Remade Secure.
- Adam
If you’ve moved to a new city and feel completely alone - your attachment system isn’t broken, it just hasn’t found its anchor yet.
👇 New episode is live - @jordanharbinger joins in our new @theiwishyouknewpodcast to talk about how to rebuild your social world from scratch. Link in bio.
Feeling like the new kid with nothing to offer? That might be the best position you’ve ever been in.
When you walk into a new room, you’re not behind - you’re a breath of fresh air.
People in long-established groups are quietly craving exactly what you bring: something new. Science backs this up too - novelty in social environments sparks curiosity and connection, not judgment.
I talked about this and so much more with Jordan Harbinger, and honestly it’s one of my favorite conversations yet. Go listen - link in bio. 🎙️
Attachment research has been around for over 70 years, but it stays out of the parenting books most new parents actually read. The result is generations of adults running patterns they cannot trace.
The window between birth and 18 months is doing something specific: it is calibrating how much closeness feels safe and how much distance feels survivable.
That single calibration controls who you are drawn to, how you behave at month three of a relationship, how you handle conflict at year five, and whether you can stay in a marriage past the dopamine handoff at month seven.
It also controls how you parent. Most adults raise their children on the nervous system their own caregivers handed them, which is how insecure attachment passes down across three and four generations without anyone noticing where it started.
My new Secure Circle community just opened free to the public today. It is the work of breaking the pattern before it transmits again.
DM or comment COMMUNITY and I’ll send you the link.
The most painful pattern in your relationships was decided before you even have a memory of it.
Attachment science shows our earliest bonds literally wire how we love, trust, and feel safe - and without understanding that wiring, we keep repeating the same cycles no matter how hard we try.
Real change doesn’t happen through insight alone; it happens in consistent, safe connection with others who understand this work.
That’s exactly what this COMMUNITY is built for. Free to join — link in bio.
Pornography is cheating.
Sexual desire was designed to draw a husband toward his wife. It is the biological mechanism that funds physical closeness and emotional intimacy. Pornography reroutes that desire into a screen.
The Institute for Family Studies reports 57% of men ages 30-49 view pornography in any given month. Higher use is a strong predictor of lower marital satisfaction and higher divorce.
What looks like a “bigger sex drive” is usually a man whose desire has been spent on a screen. He can perform to strangers on the screen but not with her.
His wife feels it in routine kisses, in his eyes drifting past her at dinner, in the bed where he lies beside her but somewhere else.
The same is true in reverse. Women watch pornography too. Many more drift into the same chemistry through emotional intimacy with men online, parasocial bonds with creators, or AI relationships.
The biology does not care which side of the marriage it is happening on. Is it ok to use pornography in relationships, or should it be banned entirely?
Would your answer change if you were / were not religious?
Let me know your thoughts.
You built the perfect life together - and somehow ended up completely alone inside it.
This isn’t a love problem. It’s an attachment problem.
High-functioning couples often drift into “parallel lives” - each succeeding in their own lane, but never truly reaching each other. Science calls the missing piece vasopressin, the bonding hormone that releases when you face challenges and solve problems as a team.
Without it, even the strongest marriages quietly hollow out.
Does this resonate with you or someone you know?
Drop a comment below - you’re not as alone in this as you think.
Your attachment patterns don’t change from insight alone - they change when you have a place to keep doing the work.
Tomorrow, that place exists. Comment NEWSLETTER to be the first to know. 👇
NEW EPISODE OF I WISH YOU KNEW WITH @jordanharbinger 🎙️
Find it anywhere you listen to podcasts or search “Adam Lane Smith” on YouTube 📺
Comment JORDAN and I’ll send you the link 🔗
Two-thirds of adults under forty report daily loneliness severe enough to register as depression. The problem is not a shortage of people. The problem is what insecure attachment does to the wiring underneath every interaction.
Jordan Harbinger sat down with me to map out why the kindest people stay isolated, what separates slimy networking from securely attached connection, and why the relationships built without keeping score are the only ones that last.
Three real transformations from the last five years:
A $100M company owner who’d felt alone his entire life. A self-made multimillionaire who kept attracting people who used her. A couple with divorce paperwork already on the table.
All three reached secure attachment. All three rewrote what was possible in their relationships.
What’s your attachment story going to be?
Tomorrow - Friday, May 15th - I’m launching something that makes this work more accessible than anything I’ve ever offered. Newsletter subscribers find out first.
Last call to get on the list. Comment NEWSLETTER or tap the link in bio. Or keep an eye on your feed tomorrow
The only safety net that has ever mattered isn’t money, status, or followers. It’s a real human relationship.
And yet we’re raising a generation that’s too scared to start a conversation.
Attachment research backs this up - chronic loneliness doesn’t just hurt, it rewires how we see the world and other people.
This week on the @theiwishyouknewpodcast podcast I sat down with @jordanharbinger to talk about what it actually takes to build real, secure relationships when everything around you is pushing you apart.
NEW EPISODE IS LIVE 🎙️
Comment “Jordan” and I’ll send you the link. 🔗
Most men have no idea their relationships are being run by fear, not love.
Here are 7 red flags of anxious attachment in men:
1- He cannot stop achieving. Because somewhere along the way, being useful became the price of being loved.
2- His anger is fear in disguised. The irritability, the resentment, the passive aggression of a nervous system that feels cornered.
3- He fixes instead of feels. The moment she is upset, he is already managing his own calm through her mood.
4- He hyper-vigilantly tracks her emotional state. Reading her tone, her texts, her face for signs that something is wrong before anything is said.
5- He carries everything silently, then explodes. Tolerating, accommodating, saying “it is fine” - until something small sets off something enormous.
6- He cannot let care land. Giving endlessly, but deflecting the moment care comes back toward him.
7- He mistakes intensity for love, calling stability “no spark” and walking away from the healthiest relationship he has ever had.
These are not personality traits. They are survival strategies a boy learned in a home where love did not feel safe to receive freely.
I broke all 7 down with Certified Attachment Coach Colin Safranek on my YouTube channel.
DM or comment COLIN and I will send you the link.
